


And nothing hurts when I'm alone

by orphan_account



Series: let me hold you [2]
Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Mutual Pining, Yeahhhh, idk how to tag, sum fluff???, this one, took a while
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 09:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22013560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ricky Bowen wants things to be different.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Gina Porter
Series: let me hold you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574251
Comments: 9
Kudos: 80





	And nothing hurts when I'm alone

**Author's Note:**

> Haha. Remember when I said an update was coming soon like a couple days after posting the first one and I never...updated. It's called writers block, my bad. It's also called trying to perfect something I know will never be that great. I'm going to be honest with you, this might be very underwhelming for a lot of people, might not be what a lot of people want, which I'm sorry, but this was what I came up with. So if you read all the way to the end, thank you. Anyway, enjoy!!!

If Ricky could describe his day in one word, it would simply be: **hell.**

He skipped rehearsals, too annoyed with himself and what had just happened to ask Big Red to cover for him. His absence would be a mystery to his castmates until Monday, when he would be forced to see them again and come up with a lie on the spot to explain why he wasn’t there. Where he would be forced to see her…

Ricky didn’t know what he should be feeling. 

_ What was the most appropriate reaction to this kind of situation?  _

How are you supposed to feel when the girl you possibly like more than a friend says that the both of you, together, would be a **mistake?**

Anger? Maybe. 

Shame? Absolutely. 

Sadness…

Ricky’s heart had been broken in the past before. Nini, the first girl who really meant something to him, had fallen in love with someone else. Even though he could barely say those three words back, he had felt his heart crack every time he saw her staring at EJ Caswell like he was her whole world in order to mend her own heart. 

But this was different, this _felt_ different. 

Ricky knows what a broken heart feels like. And this was no broken heart. This was _‘my heart feels like it was ripped out of my chest and now I don’t know what to do.’_ He hadn’t realized he had started crying until he felt something wet roll down his cheek and hit his hand. 

His throat was itchy, the way it would get when he was trying not to cry in front of people. But Ricky wasn’t in front of people, there was no one else in his room with him. It was simply just him and his thoughts and the way they made him want to go to sleep and never wake up again. He pressed his hands into his eyes, an attempt to stop the onslaught of tears that wasted no time coming out. 

Ricky was a total mess. 

* * *

“Rise and shine!” 

The second Ricky opened his eyes he’s blinded. Not necessarily by sunlight, but by a bright flashlight Big Red held to his eyes.

“What the-“ He was being tortured. After the blinding came the tear away of his comforter and suddenly he was shivering in his boxers. “Wakey-Wakey, eggs and bakey!” Big Red wasn’t gonna stop. Ricky groaned, ignoring how his friend continued to sing in a very loud and off-key manner. “What are you even doing here?” He shoved his face into his pillow, disregarding the fact that he could barely breathe.

“Well, uh, you haven’t been answering me or anyone for that matter and you didn’t show up to rehearsals, sorry if I’m a little concerned.” He huffed plummeted beside Ricky on the bed, fumbling with his phone as he pulled up their shared texts.

**“4:35 p.m:** hey where are u? 

**5:00 p.m:** did you like die?

**5:05 p.m:** i'm not clingy but would like to know where you're at...

**5:30 p.m:** miss jenn is soooo pissed you’re missing rehearsals right now.

**6:00 p.m:** okay well i think you're, in fact, dead. 

**6:45 p.m:** is this about G-“

Ricky lifted his head quickly, sleep wearing off in a second as he started to speak fast and incoherently. 

**“Don’t** say that name, I swear to god if you say that name I’ll hurl myself into oncoming traffic, don’t say her name.” He groaned as he slammed his head against his pillow, Big Red putting his phone away and sitting up, eyeing Ricky with concern. 

“Ricky, dude?” He attempted to pull the pillow from under Ricky’s head, failing, and blaming it on the weight of Ricky’s big head. Not his lack of upper body strength. 

“What happened?” 

Big Red wasn’t going to leave until he had an answer. Or several. Ricky had rolled over, facing the opposite way as Big Red shifted his position to lay against the bed frame. “I’m an idiot, that’s what happened.” Ricky heard his own voice tremble softly as he spoke, a wave of sympathy washing over Big Red. “Okay, but what did you do? Did she do something? Did you both do something-” 

_ “I kissed her.”  _

Big Red stops fidgeting with his hands and let’s his jaw fall to the floor. “Oh…” Was all Big Red could muster because holy shit, Ricky Bowen, his emotionally confused and closed off best friend had kissed Gina Porter, the girl that still scared the shit out of him sometimes. Ricky turned on his back, his bicep coming over to hide his eyes from the world, from Big Red as he looked at him with shock. He didn’t know what to say or how to react. 

If he didn’t know what to do then he knows Ricky sure as hell didn’t know what to do either. “Usually after you kiss a girl you’re happy but you don’t seem really happy right now…” Ricky sighed as he removed his arm from his face and placed it harshly on his chest, his eyes still closed as if he was in physical pain. 

Maybe he was. 

“She said ‘this is a mistake’, as in us, her and me, together, was a mistake, Red.” Big Red chewed at his lip as he listened to Ricky further explain the situation. “I kissed her, and she kissed me back and it seemed like everything was okay...but uh, then she pulled away and I could tell she regretted it. And that hurt really bad.”

Ricky had opened his eyes and Big Red could see the unshed tears in his eyes as flexed his fingers across his stomach. “Damn that’s…” Big Red let out a huff that was enough for Ricky to understand what he meant. “Yeah...yeah it is.”

* * *

Ricky had dreaded going to school again. Monday was fast approaching as the last hours of Sunday ticked by quickly, getting anxious at the thought of talking to everyone at rehearsals, trying his best to lie about his absence. But that was just one of his worries. His biggest worry was seeing Gina. The girl who made him feel way too much all at once. 

He figured he’d tell everyone that he felt nauseous from the food he ate at lunch that day. He’d reassure everyone that he was fine and ready to continue the prep for the show. An easy but valid lie. He still had no idea what he would tell Gina. He didn’t know if seeing her for the first time since they kissed would induce word vomit or absolutely...nothing. He wondered if seeing her again would result in him being a tongue twisted fool. 

Maybe Ricky _wondered_ too much. 

* * *

Monday came and Ricky was a ball of buzzing anxiety. As he went from class to class and wandered the hallways, he was on high alert for the girl with curly hair and a small black backpack. But halfway through the day he had suspected Gina wasn’t even _there_ to begin with. His suspicions were confirmed when he showed up to rehearsals, when she wasn’t sitting in her usual seat. Part of him was relieved that she wasn’t there, the other part was sad at the fact he would have to go another day without seeing her.

Tuesday came and went, the same as Monday, no sign of Gina anywhere. He had realized that Sam wasn’t there either, but to hell with that guy. Ricky tried not to think too much of it, assuming she probably got sick over the weekend and wasn’t actually avoiding him like the plague. 

He likes to think it was the former. 

Then Wednesday came and Ricky was becoming more concerned, because 

_why the hell isn’t she here?_

Gina Porter never misses practice, even if she has a raging cold. Ricky smiles at the memory of Miss. Jenn forcing Gina to go home after she almost passed out from doing a number, because she was in fact, suffering from a nasty cold. He’s brought out of his thoughts when an irritated Carlos walks into rehearsals, huffing as he sets down his binder on the piano. 

“So Sam quits the show and no one knows where Gina is? That’s great, there goes our ‘lovely couple’ huh.” Seb rubs Carlos’ back as he rubbed his temples in annoyance. Sam quit because he quit _her_. 

He doesn’t deserve her. **Screw him,** he broke her heart, he thought as he stood up and walked over to Carlos and Seb. 

“Wait, so no one relly knows what’s going on with Gina” Ricky was anticipating Carlos to rebuttal with a snarky response, seeing as he was too stressed out to even think. “No, I’ve tried calling and texting, but alas, to no avail.” Carlos turned and leaned against the piano as Seb hummed in agreement. 

Ricky still had Gina’s number, saved from way back before everything changed. When they were still the best of friends. He hadn’t attempted to communicate with her, lacking the balls to check in on her, afraid she’d block him forever. Reflecting on the past two days where he sat in his room and stared at his phone, debating whether or not to call her made him realize he was the definition of an idiot. “Maybe she’s sick?” Seb said from his seat. 

“If Gina was sick she’d show up regardless.” Carlos snorted as he walked off, probably to find Miss. Jenn who’s always 5 minutes late to class. Ricky pressed his lips into a thin line before walking back over to his chair and sitting down, mindlessly listening to the commotion going on around him. 

Ricky was now _beyond_ worried. 

He had been drifting off into his own head when Miss. Jenn stormed into rehearsals five minutes later, a panicking Carlos behind her, furiously typing away on his phone. “It appears I have some very unfortunate news.” Everyone had gotten quiet, seeing how tense Miss. Jenn actually was. “Gina Porter, sadly, will no longer be in the show.” The collective gasp from everyone in the room had Ricky reeling. 

_ What do you mean she won’t be in the show? _

“She will no longer be in the show because she will no longer be attending East High. Her mother let me know this morning that they’re moving and Gina wouldn’t have enough time to complete the show.” 

The mumbles quickly turned into a panicked shouts and conversations. Ricky had heard Nini say that it couldn’t be true but Ricky knew it was. As Miss. Jenn tried to get everyone to stop talking it had hit Ricky. **Full force.** Gina’s moving and there’s nothing he could do about it. She hadn’t been at school because she was sick, she hadn’t gone because her mother took her **out** of it. 

Ricky felt like the world was caving in. 

* * *

After school Ricky had driven to Gina’s house. He had remembered where she lived, having been there a couple of times over the course of the first semester, remembering the cheek kiss that still played in his mind every other day. 

He had been happy then, maybe just in that moment, but happy. 

But right now he felt the opposite. Gina was moving, she was going to leave him like everyone else in his life and Ricky wanted to drive headfirst into a lake. He was currently parked in front of her house, the cold air fogging up his windows a little bit. He placed his head on his steering wheel and let out a sigh, wondering if he should just go home. 

The knocking at his window startled him so badly that he nearly broke his neck from whipping it back up. 

There stood Gina, confused at the sight of Ricky, sitting in his car, on her driveway. She held a potted plant in her hands, her hair cascading freely over her shoulders, a new look Ricky had never seen. He attempted to roll down his window but realized his car was off.

_ Stupid.  _

He motioned his hand in an awkward way to signal for Gina to move so he could open the car door without hitting her. She got the message and walked backwards a couple feet for Ricky to open the door and get out. He narrowly missed hitting his head on the door frame as he did. 

When he closed the door behind him he realized there was a good six feet between them, too distant for his liking. Gina was wearing mom jeans, a soft pink sweater and a brown jacket. He stared at the small potted plant in her hands, the painted ladybug facing him. He finally looked at her and couldn't help the immediate blush that rose on his cheeks. 

“Uh, what’s that for?” Ricky rubbed the nape of his neck, inwardly grimacing at his poor attempt to act like there wasn’t an awkward tension between them. 

“Oh, um, I was about to give it to my neighbors…they have a daughter and she likes plants a lot…” She bit her lip as Ricky nodded, shoving his hands into his pants. “ _She’d take better care of it than me anyway_.” Ricky felt a lump in his throat build up as he understood what she meant. Before Ricky could stop himself he pushed away from his car and walked closer to Gina. 

“You’re really moving...aren’t you?” 

A silence fell over the two as Ricky faltered under Gina’s stare. She looked down for a moment only to start walking away, heading for what Ricky assumed was her neighbor's house. He found himself following suit, a few feet behind her as she made her way up the porch steps of her neighbor's house. 

She rang the doorbell, ignoring Ricky’s presence as he fumbled with the ends of his own jacket. The door opened to reveal a small girl with an orange crayon in hand. He smiled at her, waving as she took a look at him. 

“Hi Lily, I came to give you this.” Gina reached her arm out with the potted plant in hand as Lily examined it. She pursed her lips and looked at Gina before looking back at Ricky, who was unsure about what to do. 

“Is he your boyfriend?” Ricky choked on air as Lily took the potted plant from Gina’s hand, his cheeks going red as Gina stuttered as well. “Oh no, no Lily, he’s just a friend. Not my boyfriend.” All too quickly Ricky remembered why he showed up to Gina’s house in the first place. To talk to her about everything, about how she’s moving, about how they kissed…

“Why isn’t he your boyfriend?” The girl had dropped the crayon on the floor and held the plant with both hands as she watched Gina struggle to answer. “We’re just _friends_ Lily, tell your parents I said hi okay?” Lily shrugged and said thank you before closing the door and leaving both Ricky and Gina alone on the porch. “Well that was-” 

“ **You should go home Ricky.** ” Gina turned around swiftly and headed down the porch steps as a dumbfounded Ricky stood for a second before following her again. “Gina I just want to talk to you.” He followed her as she made it back on her own porch, stopping when her hand hesitated on the doorknob. “There’s no point in that Ricky, we just need to forget about everything that happened-”

“Why? Because you’re moving? Where? Where are you even moving? How Far? Are you ever gonna _come back?”_

_~~ For me. ~~ _

Ricky was spewing out questions left and right, bombarding the girl that ripped his heart out a few days prior, who stood in front of him with a stoic glare. He wanted answers, closure, anything. He wanted it and he wasn’t going to leave until he got. Even if that meant forcing Gina to shiver outside in the cold. It was still December after all. 

“We’re moving to _New York_ …” It was a whisper but it echoed in his head. New York? That’s at least 4 hours away on a plane, at least 2 days in a car…New York wasn’t close at all to Salt Lake City. Gina wouldn’t be close at all to Ricky. She wouldn’t be here at all. 

“Is your mom home? Can we please talk inside, it’s freezing out here.” Ricky registered what Gina had said. New York, a place where someone like Gina would most definitely thrive, being as talented as she was. But she still wouldn’t be in Utah with him, with the rest of the people at East High. “Uh no, she’s not home right now, come in.” 

Gina turned and opened the door, hiding behind it as she let Ricky in. He shook his body as the warm air of Gina’s house hit him like a brick. He had only been inside her house a handful of times, four now that he thinks about it. One was for studying, another had been for show prep and two of them had been because Ricky wanted to be anywhere but _his own house._

This was the fifth time Ricky would be in her house and it pained him to think it could possibly be the last time he’d be in her home. He noticed the lack of decorations around the house, he knew Gina celebrated Christmas, he knew it was her favorite holiday, so seeing the absence of a Christmas tree made him sad. 

“So what do you want to talk about?” Gina’s curt tone brought him out of his thoughts, reminding him of the discussion he wanted to have. **“** Don’t do that. **”** Ricky sighed as Gina walked away from him, leading him to her kitchen where everything seemed too bare and cold. “Don’t do what Ricky?” She grabbed a paper cup from beside the refrigerator and poured herself some water, offering the same to the boy in front of her. 

He shook his head as Gina downed it all in two big gulps before tossing it in the trash. “Act like nothing happened. Like nothing is _about_ to happen.” Ricky was growing impatient with Gina’s reluctance to address practically anything. She hoisted herself up on the counter across from Ricky as he watched her, admiring how graceful the action was. 

“We kissed okay, and it was unexpected and super intense, and sure, yeah it was... _nice_ but it was a mi-” 

“No it wasn’t it. It wasn’t a mistake, God, why do you keep saying that.” He let out a sigh as he rubbed his eyes, annoyed with the way a single word could make him angry all of a sudden. “If I thought it was a mistake I wouldn’t be here trying to talk to you about it. I would’ve never brought it up, would’ve acted like everything was okay and normal. But that was before I found out you were moving, essentially across the country.” His tone was blunt, quick, and snappy, voice gradually rising as he let out his thoughts in one breath. 

She stared at him, unsure of what to do or what to say. “ _I don’t believe you think it was a mistake either..._ ” Ricky had folded his arms over his chest as Gina slowly hunched over, looking down and playing with the fabric of her jeans. 

“Sam had broken up with me the day before. Do you get that? Okay he told me that he didn’t love me and the next thing I do is make-out with my ex-best friend because-because why? What was the reason? _Loneliness?_ Ricky, it was a mistake.” 

Gina was getting frustrated. She was moving soon, again and the stress of it all made her feel like she was **drowning.** “It wasn’t a mistake for me Gina.” He was quiet, fearful that if he spoke too loud she’d force him out of the house and lock him out, forever. Ricky cleared his throat, felt the need to continue to say something instead of letting her suffer in her own thoughts. Instead of letting himself suffer in his own thoughts. 

“You know the first time I saw you after the whole ‘phone incident’ was when you sat down with Sam for lunch one day.” 

Gina’s head perked up, curiosity painting her face. “You looked...happy. You were laughing with him, and he was really close to you, and then you looked at me. By accident, I'm sure, but you-you looked at me and suddenly everything felt weird. I felt-” 

“ _Jealous?_ ” Gina slowly got off the counter, her left eyebrow raised as she mirrored Ricky’s stance. “I guess, I-I didn’t know what it was at the time, just seeing you laugh and look so happy with him made me feel...off.” He looked apprehensively at Gina who merely peered at him, rubbing her lips together, waiting for him to continue. 

“Then you came into rehearsals one day, with **him** on your arm, and you introduced everyone to him. And I refused to shake his hand-” 

“Yeah you were a real dick that day.” Ricky let out a breathless laugh as Gina playfully rolled her eyes. “And that whole excuse with you being sick was total **bullshit.** ” At this Ricky picked his head up and looked at her, his corner pulling up into a shy smile. “You remember that?” 

“I remember everything Ricky.” Her tone sent shivers down his spine despite being clad in a long sleeve and a thick coat. She remembers everything, just like he did. “Then you remember when I gave you that rose for Sam’s anniversary, which by the way, was so cheesy.” 

“Shut up, I thought it was cute.” Gina slumped her shoulders down, squeezing her arms tighter. Ricky unraveled his arms and braced them against the marble countertop behind him. “Yeah I know. Because I remember how flustered you got. I remember seeing you in that dress, _you looked really nice_.” He looked at her through his lashes as his head was angled down. Gina’s heartbeat picked up. 

“For a second it felt like I had forgotten how to breathe. You came up to me and grabbed the rose, and I swear it felt like we were the only people in the world for just a second. You touched my fingers when you grabbed the rose and it felt like they were-” Ricky didn’t finish, sure of the words he was going to say but unsure if he should say them. Gina watched him, noting how nervous he looked. 

“Felt like what Ricky?” Gina was taking a leap of faith, quite literally, as she walked towards Ricky, the boy whose cheeks were tinted as red as can be. He barely looked at her, the air in the kitchen suddenly getting too thick for him. She was standing next to him, her hip centimeters from his hand as it clenched the countertop. Ricky could kiss her all over again. He could grab her by the waist and kiss her like he did the other day. But he knew that if he did, they'd just be back to square one. 

“It felt like my fingers were **burning.** ” Ricky built up the courage to look at her, fully, his heart thumping against his chest when he realized how close she was. 

_ She smelled like cinnamon.  _

“I watched you walk away, from me to him, and it felt like a punch to the gut.” He was breathless, looking at her was a mistake because all he wanted to do was to kiss her again. Her hair looked soft, free, and he wanted to so badly to run his hands through it. 

“And then I talked to you for the first time in a while, when you caught me outside of the dance room, do you remember that?” He knew she did, but he wanted to see her think about it. With a nod of her head he continued, turning his body to face her. 

“You told me to go, to never talk to you again. And I would’ve listened, I would’ve if you weren’t all I thought about.” Ricky moved closer and to his surprise, Gina didn’t move back. She didn’t flinch or leaned her head away, she stayed. 

“Then we kissed and it felt like the type of kisses you see in movies. The type of kisses people dream about. _I dreamt about it._ I felt something Gina, you can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything either...” He watched as she took a shallow breath in, her bottom lip moving as if she had something to say. “ **You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything.** ” He hesitated in front of Gina, watching the walls she built crumble in front of him. If he moved closer to her they’d be in the same position they were in the other day. Chest to chest, nose to nose, lips to...

“I said it was a mistake because I was afraid Ricky.” 

He didn’t expect her to say that. He went from thinking about kissing the girl in front of him to witnessing the beginning stages of cry begging to be let out. He knows what that looks like, what that feels like. He’s been through it too many times not to. 

“When I first moved here I told myself I would never connect with other people. I wouldn’t let myself get hurt when I would eventually have to move again. But then that plan flew out of the window when I met you.” Ricky’s breath caught in his chest, his hands grew sweaty and the gears in his head gradually halted to a stop. 

“And you became my best friend, someone I always thought of...maybe in _more than a friend way_ if we’re being honest.” Gina rubbed the back of her neck as Ricky stared at her, mouth agape. Gina liked him when they first started being friends, when they would spend all night talking on the phone about random things, when he would pick her up and drive her to school every other day... _she had liked him._

“But then I lost you. And my dumbass thought things would be different if I found someone who was _like_ you, who could make me _laugh_ as much as you, who could make me feel _good_.” 

Gina pressed her hand to her cheek, exhaling as she tells Ricky things she hasn’t told anyone. What she hasn’t even admitted to herself. Out of fear and embarrassment. She was all too familiar with the act of bottling up your emotions. 

“Sam wasn’t you. But I still loved him. Like I thought he loved me but turns out...he didn’t because teenage boys are assholes.” Ricky couldn’t help but chuckle, because if there was anything Gina was, it was always being right. 

“You’re not wrong, we kind of are assholes sometimes.” Ricky wanted to bring light to the situation, a habit of his own, that got him into more trouble than not. He watched a small smile tug at the corner of her lips, before seeing it fall back into a frown that he felt was meant for him. 

“I wanted so badly to turn back into the girl I was only a couple of months ago. The stubborn hard-headed girl who wouldn’t let anything or anyone tear her down.” 

Ricky remembers the first time he had properly spoken to Gina, the girl who caught him at the skate park while babysitting some kid. She had spoken to him first, calling him by name as the shock that rippled through his body subsided. He wasn’t scared of her then, despite having every reason to be. But he wasn’t scared of her, he didn’t realize it at the time but he liked her too much to be scared of her.

“Because now I’m moving again and I’m leaving so many things behind. I’m leaving East High, my friends…” Gina couldn’t get the words out of her mouth, her eyes watering too quickly to let her continue. Ricky had an idea of what she was trying to say, a feeling, as she looked at him with eyes that had _seen_ too much. 

“Gina...I’m in love with you…” 

The single tear that dropped from her right eye felt like a cataclysm. She wasn’t sobbing. She wasn’t wailing like she had just seen the ending to a sad movie. No, a single tear had fallen from her beautiful eyes and it felt like the world had taken notice, the flowers sighing and the sun setting behind gray clouds. If the world had noticed the tear, Ricky had felt the immense pain behind it ripple throughout his body. 

He was absolutely certain in his words, because oh did he love her with everything in his being. Her feisty spirit, her determination, her perseverance, everything that he lacked, _she had._ She was the better parts of life, what made Ricky happy a majority of the time. 

Even if they did go through a period of time where they weren’t close, there wasn’t a single day where there wasn’t some sort of thought that revolved around her that crept into his mind. Even if he had convinced himself he was happy with someone that wasn’t her. Even if he tried his best to shove these feelings down as hard as he could--

_ It was always her.  _

If it were up to him, he’d run away with her. As crazy and unrealistic as it sounds, he’d take her hand and never let it go, guiding her and letting her guide him to the ends of the earth. 

It’s a scary feeling. 

He has no qualms about doing it. Screw the possibility of Gina Porter leaving him forever, Ricky has been through too much shit to watch someone he loves more than himself to leave him again. Alone. Ripped apart. To leave him wondering what he did. What he didn’t do. If he was _enough_ to begin with...

  
  


Maybe the universe **hated** Ricky Bowen. 

But dear god. 

Ricky Bowen **hated** the universe as well. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well ain't that end just ambiguous. I do plan to do a third part, which lets be honest, could take a while, but good news, I have OTHER stories I want to write and upload bc the Rina tag just needs more if you asks me. But thank you everyone for reading, and for those who commented previously and read this story I appreciate it a lot. I hope you all have a blessed day!!! Or night, whatever time you're reading this :)


End file.
